How to Fix Your Boundaries When You Have Anxious Attachment
What it really means to stop abandoning yourself in love.
Have you ever felt like setting a boundary might cost you the relationship?
Or that saying no could make someone leave… so you stayed quiet instead?
If so, you’re not alone. Many of us have been there—doing everything we can to hold onto love, even when it costs us a little bit of ourselves.
When you have insecure attachment (especially anxious attachment), boundaries might have felt hard. Not because you’re flawed or too emotional—but because at some point, your nervous system may have learned that love meant staying close, no matter the cost.
And yet…
Without boundaries, real connection can’t thrive.
We might hold onto relationships longer, but we won’t feel safe, respected, or deeply supported inside them.
Let’s explore how to shift that.
In this post, we’ll walk through:
Why boundaries might have felt unsafe (and how to change that)
Subtle signs that boundaries are breaking down
What healthy, grounded boundaries actually look like
And five steps to start honoring your limits—without guilt, fear, or losing connection
Why Boundaries Might Have Felt Unsafe (Especially If You Grew Up Without Them)
If we grew up in spaces where love was unpredictable or had strings attached, we might have learned that closeness required self-sacrifice.
Be easy. Be agreeable. Don’t rock the boat.
And if we tried to set a limit? Maybe we were ignored, guilted, or told we were “too much.”
So instead of learning that boundaries protect connection, we learned to survive by minimizing our needs.
That wiring runs deep.
And it’s exactly why boundary-setting can still feel like a risk, even when we know it’s what we need.
But here’s the truth:
Boundaries are not a threat to love.
They are the foundation of safety and connection.
They allow us to stay connected without losing ourselves.
How It Might Be Showing Up
Sometimes we don’t even realize we’ve abandoned our boundaries—because the signs can be subtle and feel familiar.
You might notice that:
You say yes when your body’s screaming no
You feel responsible for how other people feel
You avoid bringing up needs or discomfort, just to keep the peace
You feel anxious after you’re honest, even when it was necessary
You find yourself questioning if you’re allowed to expect more
These aren’t flaws.
They’re patterns of protection—shaped by past experiences.
And the good news is: patterns can shift.
Boundaries Aren’t About Shutting People Out
Let’s clear something up.
Boundaries are not about becoming distant or detached.
They’re not about being rigid, cold, or overly “independent.”
Healthy boundaries are how we stay close without collapsing ourselves.
They create clarity—not conflict.
And they open the door to deeper, more mutual connection.
Boundaries say: “I want to be close to you—
and I want to feel safe while I do it.”
5 Gentle Steps to Begin Rebuilding Your Boundaries
You don’t have to fix it all overnight. Let’s start small, with steps that feel doable and safe for your nervous system.
1. Notice What Feels Off
Instead of waiting for burnout or resentment, try gently tuning into the smaller moments when something feels heavy or tight in your body.
That quiet discomfort is a signal.
You don’t have to explain or justify your feelings. You just have to notice them.
2. Get Curious About What You Need
Many of us with anxious attachment were never asked what we wanted or needed in relationships.
So ask yourself now:
What helps me feel grounded and steady?
What kinds of dynamics leave me feeling unbalanced or overextended?
If I deeply believed I was worthy of steady love… what would I no longer tolerate?
This kind of clarity is the foundation of safe connection.
3. Redefine What Boundaries Mean
You might have grown up believing that setting boundaries meant hurting people or losing love. But here’s a reframe to carry with you:
Boundaries are not about pushing people away.
They’re about inviting people to meet you where you feel safe being yourself.
Boundaries might sound like:
“I care about this conversation, but I need a break.”
“That doesn’t work for me right now.”
“I want to keep talking—can we come back to this when I feel more grounded?”
Short. Kind. Clear.
4. Start Honoring Internal Boundaries, Too
This one’s big.
Boundaries aren’t just something we set with others.
They’re also the standards we hold within ourselves—especially when it comes to who we chase, what we tolerate, and how we respond to our own discomfort.
Internal boundaries might sound like:
“I won’t keep proving my worth to someone who can’t see it.”
“I don’t stay in spaces that constantly activate my anxiety.”
“I’m not responsible for fixing how someone else feels about me.”
These kinds of self-boundaries aren’t cold—they’re protective.
They help us stay in our own lane, instead of pouring from an empty cup.
5. Soothe Yourself Through the Discomfort
If you’ve spent years tying your safety to other people’s reactions, setting boundaries might feel wrong at first.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong—it just means it’s unfamiliar.
Create rituals that support your nervous system afterward.
Breathe.
Move.
Write.
Do something gentle.
And celebrate the progress—not the perfection.
You chose truth over self-abandonment. That’s a win.
What Changes When You Start Honoring Your Boundaries
When you begin to trust your own limits, something beautiful happens:
You stop feeling responsible for everything and everyone
You feel calmer and more confident in love
You attract people who respect you—instead of testing you
You spend less time second-guessing and more time feeling safe
And most importantly…
You stop abandoning yourself to keep someone else close.
That’s not just healing. That’s transformation.
Want Support on This Journey?
If this post resonated, and you're ready to feel more grounded and confident in your relationships… I created a course just for you. 💛
Boundaries for Anxious Attachment is a step-by-step guide to help you:
Set boundaries without guilt or overthinking
Calm your body when it feels hard to speak up
Recognize your needs, clearly and compassionately
Stop chasing or shrinking just to feel loved
Build a new internal sense of safety—one that no one can take away
It includes practical scripts, somatic tools, and gentle nervous system support—so you don’t just know how to set boundaries… you actually feel safe living them.
👉 Click here to learn more and enroll
You deserve love that doesn’t require you to disappear.
Let this be the moment you begin choosing connection that includes you. 💛
Let me know in the comments:
What’s one internal or external boundary you’re ready to start honoring this week?
You’re not alone. You’re not too much. And you’re absolutely worthy of feeling safe in love.
Learn to set clear boundaries that reflect your values and needs, while maintaining the connections you want in your life. Discover ways to strengthen energetic boundaries and internalize a feeling of knowing what you want and what you’re willing to accept in your relationships.
