Attraction isn’t random. It’s shaped by past experiences, attachment patterns, and even how your brain has been wired to recognize love.

But here’s the good news: That wiring isn’t set in stone. Attraction can change, and in this post, we’re going to walk through how to rewire your brain to feel more drawn to secure, healthy love.

Ever feel that gut-wrenching anxiety when the energy shifts with someone you're dating?

Maybe they used to text you all the time, but now they’re taking hours (or worse… days) to reply. Or they hit you with a vague, “We’ll talk later”—and suddenly, you're spiraling, wondering when exactly “later” is.

If you have an anxious attachment style, these shifts in communication can feel like alarm bells ringing in your brain. It’s not just about a missed text—it’s about the deep fear that you’re being abandoned or that something is wrong.

But here’s the thing: not every change in communication means disaster. And once you understand what’s happening, you can shift from anxiety to calm confidence.

Have you ever been drawn to someone who gave just enough attention to keep you invested—but never fully committed? Maybe they were hot and cold, sent mixed signals, or said all the right things but didn’t follow through in the way you needed.

And even though part of you recognized that something felt off, walking away still felt incredibly difficult.

If this sounds familiar, there are real psychological and emotional reasons why certain people have felt magnetic, even when they weren’t able to provide the love and security you deserved.

Let’s break down why emotionally unavailable partners can feel so compelling—and more importantly, how to shift this pattern so you’re drawn to healthy, secure relationships instead.

Have you ever met someone who should be a great partner—kind, consistent, emotionally available—but for some reason, they just don’t feel exciting?

Maybe you tell yourself they’re too nice, there’s no spark, or the chemistry isn’t there. Yet, if past relationships have been filled with anxiety, emotional ups and downs, or unpredictability, that lack of excitement might not mean something is missing—it might mean something is different.

If secure, steady relationships haven’t felt as compelling as the ones that left you guessing, there’s a reason for that. The way your brain and nervous system interpret attraction plays a major role in what feels right—and with awareness and time, that can shift.

Early dating can be exciting—new connection, fresh possibilities, all those little moments that make you wonder where this could go.

But excitement alone doesn’t build a secure, fulfilling relationship.

Sometimes, that rush of attraction makes us ignore red flags. Other times, we get so caught up in where we hope things are heading that we stop listening to ourselves.

If you’ve ever found yourself waiting for mixed signals to turn into clarity, brushing aside your own needs to “see where things go,” or doubting your gut when something feels off—you’re not alone. And the good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in that pattern.

Have you ever been in a relationship that just felt... easy?

Not because you never had disagreements, but because—even when you did—you knew you were on the same team.

Where you felt safe to be yourself.

Where you didn’t have to overthink every text, every word, every little shift in energy... because deep down, you knew you were valued, respected, and loved.

That’s what a secure relationship feels like.

And if that doesn’t sound familiar—don’t worry. Secure relationships aren’t just something you find... they’re something you can create.

Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything you can to connect with your partner, but it’s just not landing? Maybe you’re looking for reassurance, and they respond with, “You’re overthinking it,” or you’re hoping for closeness, but they seem to pull away.

Why Does Dating Feel Like a Rollercoaster?

Have you ever felt like dating is way more complicated than it needs to be? One moment, things are going great—you're laughing, having fun, and imagining all the possibilities. Then suddenly, you're staring at your phone, re-reading their last text (or freaking out because they haven’t replied), and wondering, Did I mess this up?

• If you have anxious attachment style and you’re wanting tools to help you shift toward secure, using a somatic or body-based approach is very helpful.

• For a lot of people with anxious attachment, it’s common to seek reassurance, love, and validation from a partner, which can sometimes make relationships feel uncertain or stressful. These attachment patterns often start early in life and don’t just affect how we feel emotionally—they also show up in our bodies.

• When I was certified as a dynamic attachment practitioner, I learned just how important body awareness is for shifting toward secure attachment, and it was a big part of my own journey toward finding secure love.

• How to communicate your needs in relationship — how expressing feelings and needs in a positive compassionate way helps relationships grow and flourish.

• How avoidant attachment style developed to make recognizing and sharing feelings and needs feel uncomfortable

• Ways to get more comfortable talking about your feelings and being open in relationships

For someone with an anxious attachment style, knowing when to commit can be tricky. Let’s talk about how you can tell if the timing might be right.

Have you ever wondered why you struggle with self esteem, especially in relationships? It might have something to do with your attachment style.

People with anxious attachment often feel deeply connected to others' emotions and may have a hard time distinguishing between their own feelings and those they absorb from others. This heightened sensitivity can make setting and maintaining emotional boundaries even more challenging, yet it’s so valuable when you want your relationship to be more secure!

How does AI affect our attachment style? I noticed it hasn’t been mirroring us as much lately…

Spotlight on Secure: Conversations with securely attached people about building secure relationships

Having an Anxious attachment style can be frustrating, but the good news is that it’s possible to learn ways to become more secure in relationships.

For a secure functioning relationship, do this when dating -- the importance of being authentic

Recognizing the fight, flight, and freeze response can help you to understand your reactions and those of other people you’re in relationship with.

Some people are surprised to learn they’re more than one attachment style, and if they’ve already done some work on their attachment and feel stuck, it can be worth exploring these additional styles.

A lot of people talk about being frustrated with a dynamic they end up in where they feel like they’re doing all the work in the relationship, or their partner isn’t really interested, or they ask their partner what’s wrong and the person shuts down or pulls away. Here are some strategies to help you get closer to the avoidant partner in your life.