Spotlight on Secure: Conversations with securely attached people about building secure relationships

Having an Anxious attachment style can be frustrating, but the good news is that it’s possible to learn ways to become more secure in relationships.

For a secure functioning relationship, do this when dating -- the importance of being authentic

Recognizing the fight, flight, and freeze response can help you to understand your reactions and those of other people you’re in relationship with.

Some people are surprised to learn they’re more than one attachment style, and if they’ve already done some work on their attachment and feel stuck, it can be worth exploring these additional styles.

A lot of people talk about being frustrated with a dynamic they end up in where they feel like they’re doing all the work in the relationship, or their partner isn’t really interested, or they ask their partner what’s wrong and the person shuts down or pulls away. Here are some strategies to help you get closer to the avoidant partner in your life.

Disorganized, or Fearful attachment style has to do with the way we relate to other people. When someone has a disorganized attachment style, it means they might lean toward either anxious or avoidant attachment style in relationships, or maybe oscillate back and forth between the two.

If you’ve found yourself regularly losing interest in your partners, running away from love or you can’t ever seem to find a partner who measures up to that ideal person in your head, exploring attachment style can be a useful way to understand how to create relationships where you have a really great connection and feel understood.

An Anxious attachment style doesn’t mean you’re the only anxious one in the relationship, but it does come with certain challenges. Learn more about this attachment style in dating and relationships.

Co-regulate (calm down and feel safer) with a partner! Learn what you can say and how you can say it that will help you and your partner feel calmer and able to talk about difficult topics.
Learn strategies that help your attachment system.

If you have any disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style in your mix, you’ve likely wondered why people and life events can seem to throw you off balance. You go to a party or event, and someone says just the right words to set off your personal inner critic…

Whether you’re in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment style, you’re in the dating process, or you have a friend you’d like to communicate better with, chances are there have been times when you’ve wondered if there was a better way to say something, or perhaps a better way of communicating to support their attachment style (and your own!)

Is it better to work on your attachment system by learning and thinking about attachment, and taking practical steps to change your behavior (a top down approach), or by accessing the felt sense/working with body sensations, working on calming the nervous system, and feeling what secure feels like in your body (a bottom up approach)?

Stress that stems from relationships is one of the biggest challenges that people face having an attachment adaptation. Since it is rarely possible to remove ourselves from all relationships — lots of downsides to that one, as you can imagine — it is more practical to work on our attachment system and learn ways to feel calmer in relationship.

Anxious attachment usually stems from inconsistent or unpredictable connection in childhood. The result is a desire to keep someone close, and a fear of being abandoned.
Here are some triggers that people with anxious attachment often feel in the beginning stages and later on in relationships:

There’s a myth that people with avoidant attachment don’t want to be in relationships. The truth is, most folks with avoidant adaptation do want to be in a relationship but push their partner away because of underlying fears and triggers which we will explore now.

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to recommit to loving yourself and expressing your love and care for others.

Find attachment role models as an adult to become more secure

If you’ve learned about attachment style and you’re in the process of looking for a match, chances are you’ve wondered how to avoid dating people with incompatible attachment styles and find someone with secure attachment.

6 ways to increase your secure attachment