
Learn more about attachment and relationships
How to Rewire Your Brain to Attract Secure, Healthy Love
Attraction isn’t random. It’s shaped by past experiences, attachment patterns, and even how your brain has been wired to recognize love.
But here’s the good news: That wiring isn’t set in stone. Attraction can change, and in this post, we’re going to walk through how to rewire your brain to feel more drawn to secure, healthy love.
Triggered? What to Do – For Anxious Attachment
Ever feel that gut-wrenching anxiety when the energy shifts with someone you're dating?
Maybe they used to text you all the time, but now they’re taking hours (or worse… days) to reply. Or they hit you with a vague, “We’ll talk later”—and suddenly, you're spiraling, wondering when exactly “later” is.
If you have an anxious attachment style, these shifts in communication can feel like alarm bells ringing in your brain. It’s not just about a missed text—it’s about the deep fear that you’re being abandoned or that something is wrong.
But here’s the thing: not every change in communication means disaster. And once you understand what’s happening, you can shift from anxiety to calm confidence.
Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Partners
Have you ever been drawn to someone who gave just enough attention to keep you invested—but never fully committed? Maybe they were hot and cold, sent mixed signals, or said all the right things but didn’t follow through in the way you needed.
And even though part of you recognized that something felt off, walking away still felt incredibly difficult.
If this sounds familiar, there are real psychological and emotional reasons why certain people have felt magnetic, even when they weren’t able to provide the love and security you deserved.
Let’s break down why emotionally unavailable partners can feel so compelling—and more importantly, how to shift this pattern so you’re drawn to healthy, secure relationships instead.
Why Secure Partners Feel Boring (And How to Change That)
Have you ever met someone who should be a great partner—kind, consistent, emotionally available—but for some reason, they just don’t feel exciting?
Maybe you tell yourself they’re too nice, there’s no spark, or the chemistry isn’t there. Yet, if past relationships have been filled with anxiety, emotional ups and downs, or unpredictability, that lack of excitement might not mean something is missing—it might mean something is different.
If secure, steady relationships haven’t felt as compelling as the ones that left you guessing, there’s a reason for that. The way your brain and nervous system interpret attraction plays a major role in what feels right—and with awareness and time, that can shift.
Feeling Uncertain? Here’s How to Stay Secure in Early Dating
Early dating can be exciting—new connection, fresh possibilities, all those little moments that make you wonder where this could go.
But excitement alone doesn’t build a secure, fulfilling relationship.
Sometimes, that rush of attraction makes us ignore red flags. Other times, we get so caught up in where we hope things are heading that we stop listening to ourselves.
If you’ve ever found yourself waiting for mixed signals to turn into clarity, brushing aside your own needs to “see where things go,” or doubting your gut when something feels off—you’re not alone. And the good news? You don’t have to stay stuck in that pattern.
What a Secure Relationship Actually Feels Like
Have you ever been in a relationship that just felt... easy?
Not because you never had disagreements, but because—even when you did—you knew you were on the same team.
Where you felt safe to be yourself.
Where you didn’t have to overthink every text, every word, every little shift in energy... because deep down, you knew you were valued, respected, and loved.
That’s what a secure relationship feels like.
And if that doesn’t sound familiar—don’t worry. Secure relationships aren’t just something you find... they’re something you can create.
Misattunements and Anxious Attachment: Turning Emotional Misses into Connection
Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything you can to connect with your partner, but it’s just not landing? Maybe you’re looking for reassurance, and they respond with, “You’re overthinking it,” or you’re hoping for closeness, but they seem to pull away.
Why Does Dating Feel Like a Rollercoaster?
Why Does Dating Feel Like a Rollercoaster?
Have you ever felt like dating is way more complicated than it needs to be? One moment, things are going great—you're laughing, having fun, and imagining all the possibilities. Then suddenly, you're staring at your phone, re-reading their last text (or freaking out because they haven’t replied), and wondering, Did I mess this up?
Somatic Exploration to Transform Anxious Attachment
If you have anxious attachment style and you’re wanting tools to help you shift toward secure, using a somatic or body-based approach is very helpful.
For a lot of people with anxious attachment, it’s common to seek reassurance, love, and validation from a partner, which can sometimes make relationships feel uncertain or stressful. These attachment patterns often start early in life and don’t just affect how we feel emotionally—they also show up in our bodies.
When I was certified as a dynamic attachment practitioner, I learned just how important body awareness is for shifting toward secure attachment, and it was a big part of my own journey toward finding secure love.
Top Down or Bottom Up? How to Approach the Shift to Secure Attachment
Is it better to work on your attachment system by learning and thinking about attachment, and taking practical steps to change your behavior (a top down approach), or by accessing the felt sense/working with body sensations, working on calming the nervous system, and feeling what secure feels like in your body (a bottom up approach)?
Retrain Your Brain and Attachment System for a Secure Relationship
6 ways to increase your secure attachment
The #1 Reason You’re Not Attracting Your Ideal Partner
Why do we attract incompatible partners and what do we do about it?
How to Save Your Friendship — 15 Tips From Attachment Theory
You may have been hearing story after story lately of friend breakups and people ending long relationships. If it seems like you’ve been hearing more stories like this since the pandemic started, it’s not your imagination — people have been struggling with relationships of all kinds, and that includes friendships.
Learning from genetics to improve our relationships
The surprising link between genetics and attachment — and some hopeful news
How Your Attachment Style Can Impact Your Health
Researchers have discovered some interesting links between the style we developed as children and the health problems we have as adults
Helping Your Relationship Survive a Quarantine — 20 Tips From Attachment Theory
Anytime we experience stress from our environment, it can impact a romantic relationship. We turn to our relationships for comfort and stress relief, but can there be too much of a good thing? Yet some couples are handling this with more ease than others, and we can find some answers in attachment theory.
3 Steps to Relaxing While Lying in Bed: Stop Stressing About Love
Helpful exercises so you can get your Zs
Why it’s hard to ask for help (and what to do about it)
It’s more than just a desire for independence
How to Quickly Shift Your Mood During the Holiday Season — or Any Time of Year
Some quick mood-boosting tips to lift your spirits