How to Find a Partner with Secure Attachment

Sep 16

If you’ve learned about attachment style and you’re in the process of looking for a match, chances are you’ve wondered how to avoid dating people with incompatible attachment styles and find someone with secure attachment.

I talked in another post about how Anxious and Avoidant styles attract each other and how to avoid this problem when you’re dating.

But one of the most common challenges that arise for people who are educated about attachment styles is that they can’t find anyone with secure attachment to date.

This is a realistic problem. As we get older, secure folks naturally tend to end up in relationships. And at the same time, we need to re-examine this situation. Attachment is not black and white, and most everyone is a blend of different attachment styles which vary by relationship or situation. For example, someone might be more anxious in a friendship and more avoidant in a family relationship — this is very common.

The fact is, most of the people that you’re likely to meet in this world are going to have some degree of attachment disruption. So rather than focus on finding a magically secure unicorn partner, I suggest focusing on looking for certain signs of compatibility in attachment style along with enough secure markers to make the whole thing work.

For example, someone who is secure/anxious will often feel more comfortable with a partner who also has some secure and some anxious. When conflict arises, they both want to talk through it. Just as someone who is secure/avoidant will be more comfortable with someone who also has some secure/avoidant. When conflict arises, they know to give the other a little space.

And of course, it’s a good idea to look for compatibility in other areas, such as personality and values.

Stated a bit differently, a secure functioning relationship is often more of a realistic goal than a securely attached partner.

All that said, we also want enough secure attachment that we can navigate a relationship and be happy.

So here are 3 strategies when dating to help find a secure partner.

Strategy 1:

Notice if you’re clear about their feelings and intentions or if you find yourself guessing a lot. Are you constantly wondering when the next date will be, or if they’re even into you? Or do they clearly express their romantic interest?

Strategy 2:

Pay attention to whether they can relate to you and truly understand how you feel. Are they genuinely empathetic? This will make a relationship so much easier, since one of the traits that people typically value in a partner is the ability to understand us.

Strategy 3:

Observe if they set and respect boundaries. Sometimes misunderstandings happen, but are they able to respect a boundary if you set one? And do they have boundaries of their own?

If there are enough markers of secure attachment and not a lot of relationship red flags, then you may just be onto something good!

If you want more information on this and you have an anxious attachment style (or fearful/disorganized leaning anxious), you might be interested in my course, Secure Attachment Rewire: The 5 Key Strategies to Change Your Anxious Attachment in Dating and Relationships