How to Learn from a Securely Attached Couple
Did you know that the relationships we expose ourselves to affect our own attachment system?
Ideally we grow up with secure attachment modeled for us. But not everyone’s parents had the sweet, loving, nurturing dynamic that showed us how to have a healthy romantic relationship as an adult. And to be fair, it’s hard enough being a parent, even more so when the parent trying to model good relationships is struggling on the inside with their own attachment wounding.
Fortunately, it’s possible to find good attachment role models as an adult, and it’s not too late for a positive impact on your attachment system.
Let’s talk about 3 ways to increase your exposure to healthy attachment models.
Method 1: Find a role model couple
Level - Intermediate
A securely attached couple can be the example you never had as a child. This could be a couple who are friends of yours, or who you spend time with.
You can recognize a secure couple because they are exhibiting secure behavior: they are kind, loving, and protective toward one another, they go to their partner first and they tell each other everything because they know that they will be accepted. They are confident that when disagreements happen, they will work through them.
People feel good around secure couples because it’s clear that they make each other happy, and we like to be around happy people because we feel happy. Secure couples give us hope.
The challenge is that when people are still healing their own attachment system, they may not know a lot of secure couples. You can work on recognizing the signs of a secure functioning relationship, and spending more time around high functioning couples.
A quick reminder of what to look for:
Secure couples
Show loving and positive behavior
Are fair in their interactions
Are playful and fun
Put each other first
Are protective of each other
Don’t threaten the relationship
Don’t keep secrets between them
Have open communication
Work to soothe each other’s distress
Show their appreciation for each other
Want to grow together
Method 2: Find secure couples in movies or television
Level - Easy (maybe!)
Look for shows that model healthy relationships where people look out for one another and work to repair conflict when things go south. It’s common in Hollywood to focus on relational tension, drama, and heartbreak because these make for interesting plot lines. But you may be surprised how good it feels to watch a show where people mostly get along.
When my partner and I watched the TV show Good Witch, I could really feel the difference in my body sensations versus watching a show with more drama and relational discord. I was getting a bunch of oxytocin and serotonin from empathizing with the characters and watching their feel-good interactions. And I wasn’t getting the surges in epinephrine and cortisol that come with a tension-filled or violent show. I just felt relaxed, warm, and fuzzy.
The primary couple in the show have hurdles — to be expected in Hollywood plots or in life — but they quickly build a foundation of mutual trust, support, and solidity that is apparent to everyone around them. They create a team against adversity, which is one of the joys of being part of a secure couple.
You might wonder if watching a TV show can really affect the way you interact with others. When we take care of our own biochemistry — such as increasing our feel-good brain chemicals in healthy ways — it’s easier for us to show up in a good mood which helps us be warm, engaging, and positive.
And from an attachment perspective, watching the ways secure couples interact and talk to each other can be educational and healing for us, teaching us what we didn’t learn growing up.
Method 3: Find a securely attached parent figure
Level - Intermediate-Advanced
Sometimes we can get a sense of being mothered or fathered by someone who isn’t a blood relative — you might think them as a mentor. This can be in addition to our actual birth parents, but since we have the chance to pick them, we can choose someone who has a secure attachment, perhaps who is older and wiser.
A more advanced alternative is to role-play a family with a securely attached couple. It’s important to set the proper container, perhaps in a personal growth group or other setting that is safe and comfortable. I once had the opportunity to role-play a family: my inner 9-year-old and two secure, warm, caring “parents” who loved each other. I remember sitting in the grass and talking about getting a puppy, and just feeling more happy and content than I’d felt in a long time. It may not be for everyone, but this experience gave me that felt-sense experience in the moment of being loved and cared for as a child which is so valuable for our attachment systems.
If you don’t know a couple like this or otherwise don’t know how to create such a scenario, you can do this role-play in your imagination. Even imagining being told “I love you, I’m here for you” by an imaginary parent figure can be very healing. You’ll know the words you need to hear.
So now you have some more ideas of how you can learn from a secure couple and get secure attachment modeled to help your own attachment system.
If you missed my article on how to find a secure partner, you can find that here.
Do you have an anxious attachment style and want to rewire your brain and attachment system for secure attachment? Go from feeling frustrated and confused to feeling calm, safe, and empowered as you learn how to rewire your brain for secure attachment in dating and relationships.
Secure Attachment Rewire: The 5 Key Strategies to Change Your Anxious Attachment in Dating and Relationships.
