Stress that stems from relationships is one of the biggest challenges that people face having an attachment adaptation. Since it is rarely possible to remove ourselves from all relationships — lots of downsides to that one, as you can imagine — it is more practical to work on our attachment system and learn ways to feel calmer in relationship.

Stress might look and feel different for the different attachment styles. For someone with anxious attachment, it’s usually more overtly noticeable, whereas someone with avoidant attachment might not show that they’re stressed, but have physiological signs of stress, like a higher heart rate.

Of course, anxious attachment triggers and avoidant attachment triggers are often a bit different, but the same calming techniques can be helpful for both styles. And learning how to calm down quickly is particularly helpful for the disorganized attachment style, which can swing anxious or avoidant or both.

Let’s talk about a couple ways to feel calmer in a relationship with someone:

You calm yourself
The other person calms you

Ways to calm yourself:

Think of ways you soothe yourself when you’re feeling anxious, when you’re having trouble communicating, or when you’re triggered. Here are some ideas to get you started. From this list, note the activities that have worked for you in the past or that you'll use next time you want to feel calmer.

Take some breaths with a slightly longer exhale - this helps stimulate the vagus nerve and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest)
Count while visualizing a hobby or fun activity
Go for a walk (if you are taking a break from a conversation it may be a good idea to tell the other person when you’ll be ready to have it again)
Smell something soothing like essential oils or flowers on that walk
Journal - write down what is stressful and think about your feelings, needs, reframing the problem, or other ways to approach the situation
Talk to a friend - phone, video chat, or in person
Listen to a calming meditation or visualization
Relax your muscles - Do a body scan and progressively relax each muscle group while taking calming breaths

Everyone is unique, so find the ways that work particularly well for your brain.

Sometimes people with an anxious attachment adaptation say they have trouble not thinking about someone, like obsessing. It is much easier to replace a habit than to remove a habit. That’s why I recommend shifting gears and giving the brain something else to focus on so you can calm down. This calms the body chemistry as well, which calms the mind.

Now on to ways that another person can soothe you.

Ways to be calmed down by someone else:

Sometimes other people are great at reading us, and just naturally figure out exactly what to say so we feel calmer. Wonderful when that happens, isn’t it? But other times we can help them by guiding them in advance. This may be more appropriate if we’re in a romantic partnership with them.

This is going to be different depending on your attachment adaptation. For example, with an anxious adaptation people are worried about being abandoned or rejected, and so it can be helpful for a partner to say things like this:

“I’m not going anywhere.” — Tells the person you won’t abandon them

“I love you and I’m here for you.” — Reassures the person you love them and won’t abandon them

“We’ll figure this out together.” — Reminds the person that you’re a team so they don’t feel alone in the struggle

People with avoidant adaptation also sometimes have a fear of abandonment and rejection, in which case the above statements could be helpful. If however, they have more of a fear of engulfment or losing their identity, it could be more helpful to hear:

“Take all the time you need and let me know when you’re ready to talk.” — Gives them space to come forward in their own time

“Can I tell you what I’m hearing you say? I want to make sure I’m getting it right” — Addresses the avoidant wound of not feeling seen or understood. Using their words will also help with this.

Giving someone alone time to soothe without them having to ask for it can help ease the discomfort of feeling like they need more space. For example, if you know that they feel better when they watch a certain TV show: “Why don’t you watch your show and I’ll do my own thing for a bit? I’ve been meaning to call so and so”.

If someone has disorganized attachment style, it can additionally be helpful to remember that they are safe. You might say,

“You’re safe. I’m here with you.”

“It’s going to be okay.”

“I love you, I’ll keep you safe.” (If appropriate)

While everyone’s brain is slightly different, certain kinds of things do work better for each attachment style. Reassure the anxious style that they’re loved and you’re not leaving, let the avoidant style know that you see them and aren’t going to take away their freedom or autonomy, and help the disorganized style know that they are safe in addition to whichever style they are leaning towards more - anxious or avoidant.

What do you do to calm down, or what do you like to hear from a partner to calm down?

Let me know in the comments below.