Avoidant Attachment Triggers and Withdrawal Strategies
There’s a myth that people with avoidant attachment don’t want to be in relationships. The truth is, most folks with avoidant adaptation do want to be in a relationship but push their partner away because of underlying fears and triggers which we will explore now.
Often what triggers an avoidant style in relationship is a feeling of pressure to open up or be vulnerable. This can cause discomfort and withdrawal.
Here are some common triggers that people with avoidant attachment sometimes feel in the beginning stages and later on in relationships:
Triggers in the beginnings of a relationship:
Someone getting closer, especially a romantic partner or significant other who is wanting more of a relationship
Planning a life together
Someone coming into your personal space, or spending time there
Overnights
Cuddling
Extended together time after intercourse - talking, cuddling, or sleeping together after
Someone you’re dating wants time which you normally use for relaxation, hobbies, or fitness
Withdrawal/deactivating strategies during the beginnings of a relationship:
Reducing frequency of texting
Reducing emotional expressivity — distancing yourself emotionally
Finding things about the person that you don’t like and rationalizing these are reasons why it’s not a good fit (ones that wouldn’t have bothered you while you were interested)
Expectations you feel you can’t meet
Triggers in a relationship:
Conflict with your partner, especially if it’s long and drawn out
Criticism from your partner
Rejection or judgment when you share your feelings
Expectations you feel you can’t meet
Expectations that you’ll have a conversation about a relationship issue
Going from “alone time” to “together time”
Being asked to provide excessive emotional support
Needing to repair after a fight but not knowing how
Feeling pressure to understand your partner
Loss of independence or autonomy
The person wanting time which you normally use for relaxation, hobbies, or fitness
Fearing that you’ll lose your sense of self
Your partner feeling anxious, needy, or clingy
Feeling like you’re not enough relationally, that you can’t fulfill a partner’s expectations
Withdrawal/deactivating strategies during a relationship:
Avoiding expressions of commitment or talking about a future together
Planning an exit strategy — a way you can end the relationship, hopefully without hurting them
Withdrawing emotionally
Dismissing your partner’s concerns — if you can minimize it, maybe they’ll realize it’s not a problem
Ignoring your partner’s request, hoping if you don’t make a big deal out of it, the problem will go away
Fantasizing about past or ideal partners
Distracting or staying busy with work, hobbies, relaxation, or fitness
Justifying your actions when your partner criticizes them
Placating or appeasing in order to avoid conflict, but then hoping you won’t need to follow through
Other common triggers:
Being interrupted when you’re busy
Being asked to do things for other people when it’s just too much time, resources, or you fear it will turn into a larger request in the future
Being asked to help with a project that becomes much larger than you expected or planned for
How to deal with these triggers:
Identify what you’re feeling and needing when you are having a trigger
Identify what you’re gaining and losing by using these withdrawal strategies
Identify a more effective strategy to implement instead of that withdrawal strategy. For example, work on gradually increasing your comfort with intimacy and communicating in an open way. Identify and set clear boundaries up front rather than after you’re triggered.
I offer a Change Your Attachment, Change Your Relationship Strategy Session to help people find new strategies to approach their attachment puzzles.
