Have you ever had someone say to you that they need you to tell them how you’re feeling or what you’re wanting, but something’s stopping you?

Maybe it’s fear they’ll judge you, or that they’ll have a reaction. Maybe you want to avoid it turning into a big conflict, or maybe you’re not even sure what you’re feeling, let alone how to express it?

If you’re reading this, you might have come to the conclusion that you have an avoidant attachment style. Maybe a current partner told you that, maybe a former partner, or you read about it online. You’re wondering what can be done about it and you’re looking for some strategies. Let’s talk about:

How expressing feelings and needs in a positive compassionate way helps relationships flourish and grow
How an avoidant attachment style developed to make recognizing and sharing feelings and needs feel uncomfortable
Some ways to get more comfortable talking about your feelings and being open in relationships
How to create a safe environment to share in

We all have needs and desires, whether that’s air to breathe, water to drink, security, a sense of purpose, or feeling connected to another person. If you’re watching this, you probably know there are benefits to sharing feelings and needs in a relationship. Ideally we want a partnership to have people who know each other really well, almost like your partner has the manual for how to have a great relationship with you, and vice versa. But our partners aren’t mind readers, and in order to understand us, they need us to be open enough with them to share what we’re wanting.

Imagine someone at work wanting a report by the end of the month, but they didn’t tell you until 2 days away. Or they didn’t tell you at all, and just assumed you would figure out what was needed.

Maybe there was a time in a partnership where someone wanted something but didn’t tell you directly, and instead you realized over time. Most people find it’s easier if people verbalize directly, and that’s why communication is so important.

Make no mistake, sharing what you want reduces misunderstandings and helps prevent conflict.

When you’re able to share what you truly desire and it’s met with understanding and compassion, you get the idea it’s okay to express what you want.

Sure, you still want to express what you want and desire in a way that acknowledges the relationship you have with them. A secure romantic partnership is a team.

In fact, sharing what you want is an exercise in personal growth.

Imagine if you’re having a rough time with work, health, family, or some other part of your life. It would be nice to be able to open up to someone about it and get it off your chest.

The thought of opening up could be stressful though if you’re used to handling problems on your own. But believe it or not, people appreciate that you have problems too, it makes you feel relatable, and sharing about what’s important builds connection.

In short, sharing what you want builds a deeper connection with a partner, and that’s what creates intimacy and connection.

How avoidant attachment developed so that people didn’t share what they wanted

You might wonder why it’s been so challenging to share what you want. You’ve seen other people be vulnerable and they seem fine with it.

The fact is, the avoidant attachment style got a bad deal.

A lot of time people say that they don’t feel understood, or they don’t feel seen. This often is connected to some past hurts around not feeling seen when they were younger. However, people cannot see what we don’t share, so if we don’t feel seen or understood, part of that responsibility lies with us to help other people to see and understand us.

What happens with avoidant attachment is that people didn’t grow up in an environment where it felt safe to express feelings and needs. Maybe they weren’t typically asked how they felt about different topics, but instead were asked what they *thought*. There was more of a focus on logic and *doing* things rather than an emotional focus, and sometimes parents only reward their kids with love or attention when their kids are achieving things.

If you grew up in an avoidant ecosystem, you got positive encouragement for being self-sufficient and independent, and you weren’t encouraged or were even discouraged from sharing feelings and desires.

Basically, you got rewarded for being smart, analytical, and doing stuff. Not so much for sharing your feelings or empathizing with people.

The result is that a lot of people end up hiding their light and their true selves, not asking for what they actually need and want.

How to communicate your needs and desires in relationship

If you’ve made it this far, here’s the most important part — let’s talk about how you can bring more healthy self-expression into relationships and express what you want.

You’ll be glad to know that the first step doesn’t even involve making a request — it starts with knowing yourself. Really take some time to reflect on what you truly need and desire in the relationship. Validate your own feelings and have some self-compassion for that part that didn’t get seen or didn’t get to ask for what you wanted when you were younger.

So recognize that it’s fine to have dreams, desires, wants, and needs. It’s what distinguishes you from a robot. And it’s fine to let yourself feel them. Some people like to journal on this — how do you typically handle emotions and needs? Do you notice any patterns?

Like anything, it gets easier with practice, so start with small requests. If you’re in a relationship, pick something that isn’t super emotionally charged. You’ll know what that is for you. Find a time when you’re both relaxed and use clear compassionate communication. Create safety by staying calm and being open to their point of view, perhaps reflecting their points back to them or just making an effort to understand their point of view.

Btw, if you’re not currently in a romantic relationship right now, you can practice expressing yourself in other relationships, like with friends, work colleagues, or even at the gym.

Use clear, direct communication without blaming the other person. For example, “When we don’t plan our weekends ahead of time, I feel anxious and it affects my ability to enjoy our time together.”

Be sure to invite collaboration. Remember, and this is an important point, relationships are a 2-person system. You’re going to get further if you take their point of view into account. So you might ask, “How do you feel about having more structured weekends? How could we make this work for both of us?” The more you can stay calm and avoid triggering each other’s attachment systems, the more you can collaborate and problem solve together.