Have you ever had a stressful day and then met up with a friend or loved one, shared a hug, and instantly felt just a little better? Or perhaps you got a massage and felt like your emotional tension disappeared as well. Or maybe you sat down with a friend and their calming presence and validating words made those old troubles seem less important.

If you’ve experienced any of these things, you’ve experienced co-regulation, the power of other people to help us feel more emotionally calm and regulated.

“Regulation” or “calming”, can either be self-regulation (you calm yourself down) or co-regulation (you calm down with another person). When children grow up in a secure-functioning home, they receive co-regulation from their caregivers, so they learn to regain emotionally composure.

Why feel calm and safe?

When we’re seen, heard, and understood, we feel safe, and this allows us to express and process our own emotions with others.

When safety isn’t present: The fight or flight response

In contrast, if someone is in an argument with a partner and their temperature rises or their heart starts pounding, they are experiencing a fight or flight response.

When we don’t feel safe, the body automatically takes steps to prepare us to fight or run away, pumping blood to the extremities to run or fight, increasing blood pressure and heart rate. Some people go into a “freeze state” where they dissociate, or have trouble hearing or thinking clearly. This might not sound useful in a fight, but the freeze state is actually the body’s way of preparing for physical harm such as being eaten by a lion. As far as our nervous system is concerned, we are preparing for a potential life threat, even if it’s actually a conversation about the dishes.

You’ve probably known people — or been there yourself — who were so upset they acted irrationally or without thinking.

Daniel Goleman coined the term Amygdala Hijack to describe this process: normally when you perceive with your eyes and ears, information goes to the thalamus to be processed (like a relay station), then on to the pre-frontal cortex (the thinking brain), and then to the amygdala (the emotional brain). However, if you perceive a threat, the information goes both to the thalamus and to the amygdala, bypassing the pre-frontal cortex. The result is, when people feel unsafe, they sometimes do things without thinking that they later regret. 1

And once the threat has disappeared, it can take 20 minutes to an hour to recover from the surge of epinephrine, cortisol, and other stress hormones.

So you can imagine the effect all of this nervous system activity and hormones surging around the body has on a conversation with your partner if one of you feels emotionally unsafe.

So this naturally brings up the question:

How do you co-regulate with a partner?

What are some ways your partner could communicate safety to you?

Here are some examples of language that communicates safety and trust.

"It’s going to be okay."

"I love you and I’m not going anywhere."

"I’m here with you. We’ll get through this together."

"I’ll keep you safe."

"You’re safe now. I’m here."

“I’m so glad you’re mine.”

“I’m listening, I hear you.”

“I want you to know that what you’re saying is important to me, and I want to work through this together.”

“Can I tell you what I’m hearing you say? I want to make sure I understand.”

“Take all the time you need.”

Each attachment style will have their preferences. An anxious style will prefer words like “I’m not going anywhere”, whereas an avoidant style will prefer words like “I want to make sure I’m understanding you”, and a disorganized style will like to hear “You’re safe” and feel this is true.

We can also build safety using non-verbal communication.

Communicate safety with touch and a loving gaze. Patti Elledge calls this the “beam gleam”, communicating love and care with your eyes.

It is helpful to face a partner while engaged in an important conversation so we don’t miss out on signals that our partner might be getting out of their comfort zone.

Holding hands can feel reassuring for many people.

Make soft gentle eye contact — not staring or glaring, with a comfortable amount of contact, then looking away

Keep your voice at a conversational volume (not raised, booming, or shrill as that increases the threat response for your partner)

What do you need your partner to do in the moment to help you feel safe and secure?

Put their arms around you and tell you they love you? Say you’re the one and they won’t leave? Say they’ll support you? Wrap you in a big protective hug?

Talk to your partner. Find out what you can do or say to make them feel safe in the moment. Here are some questions you can explore together:

“What are ways we can help each other to emotionally engage in conversation? What do we each need to feel safe to express our emotions?”

“What are some ways we can each help ourselves to calm down if we’re starting to get stressed out in a conversation?”

“What are some ways we can help each other to calm down?”

“What will help us to explore conflict areas together?”

Want to share ways that have helped you for others? Comment below.