Boundaries

Boundaries Mini Course: Lesson 1

Why Boundaries are important for the anxious attachment style

You may have heard that good boundaries are important for relationships. But why is that, and why is that especially true for the anxious attachment style?

A huge part of relating is collaborating to get our needs and our partner’s needs met in relationship. Boundaries help us to define the overlap between needs. If everyone wanted and needed the same thing, there would be no need for boundaries. Obviously this is not the case — we are thankfully all different with unique desires.

Boundaries are the limits and guidelines we set for ourselves in our relationships to protect our physical and emotional well-being.

Boundaries help us honor our own needs and those of our partner. With good boundaries, you respect what people want and don’t want — yourself included!

And for the anxious attachment style, boundaries can give us a sense of predictability — that missing piece that causes the anxious attachment style to develop in the first place.

They reduce our anxiety in relationships, because we know what to expect and can anticipate that we’ll get our needs met better.

Boundaries help both people feel more heard and seen and respected.

Boundaries can be around a number of categories — how we relate to people, our time, our space, our stuff, our emotions, our opinions.

These are a few common scenarios that come up for people with anxious attachment style:

Do you often feel like it’s not okay for you to voice your needs? If you do that, a partner shuts down or pulls away? Or perhaps you’re not even aware of your needs?

Or on the flip side, do you avoid expressing needs or opinions because you’re afraid of being rejected or shut out?

Do you overcommit or struggle to know what your dreams are while supporting others’?

Or maybe you just have trouble saying no, because you like helping or making people happy.

Or do you feel a subtle annoyance from people, and you’re not sure if it was something you said, so you spend the next 20 minutes/hours trying to figure out if you did something wrong, if the other person is mad at you, and if the relationship with them is okay?

We can feel more confident about our relationships when we learn to set and respect boundaries — other people’s and our own. This means navigating

a) the internal boundaries we set for ourselves such as:

“I’m going to turn off screens at 8pm so I get a good night’s sleep” or

”I’m not going to chase after my date’s attention”.

b) the external boundaries we set with other people such as:

“Please turn down the music because I’m going to bed now.”

“I love you, and I also love it when you hang up the towel after you shower.”

The takeaway is, boundaries give the anxious attachment system predictability and stability in a relationship. When we set and maintain boundaries, we don’t need to constantly defend what is important to us.

In the next mini lesson, we’ll talk about why honoring boundaries is so important. See you then!