8 Ways to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner
Whether you’re in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment style, you’re in the dating process, or you have a friend you’d like to communicate with better, chances are there have been times when you’ve wondered if there was a better way to say something, or perhaps a better way of communicating to support their attachment style (and your own!)
Sometimes you might want to support your avoidant partner in a way that feels good to them, or maybe you’re trying to determine how to approach an avoidant partner without activating their withdrawal behaviors, for example, by asking for more time or commitment than they’re comfortable giving.
Some people are thinking they don’t want to be the one doing all the work in the relationship and would like their avoidant partner to step up. Keep in mind that only you can know where your boundaries are as far as what you desire and are willing to tolerate in a relationship.
However, if you are dedicated to your relationship with someone who has an avoidant style, this article will give you some ways to communicate with them that will be easier for them, and therefore easier for you because their withdrawal strategies won’t be activating as frequently.
Give them options
If you’re not sure, give them options. Don’t make assumptions about what the two of you are going to do together, or what their preferences are. Unless you know them very well, this can backfire. Many people with avoidant attachment have a wound of feeling unseen or misunderstood. So even though your intentions might be good — say surprising them with a reservation at a new restaurant — it would be best to check with them if they have the night free and if it’s even something they want.
Be flexible on timing and understand they may have different priorities than you do.
Ask in Advance
If you have a problem or issue that involves them, check for consent to have the conversation before launching into it — for example, “I’m having some feelings about our finances. Can you take half an hour to chat about it with me?” Or you can be sensitive to their schedule: “Can you let me know when would be a good time to sit down and talk about it?” Also, be prepared to hear a “no” sometimes. Just because we phrase things in a nice way doesn’t mean someone else will agree to our request. The ability to hear a “no” is what makes it a request and not a demand.
An Avoidant Attachment wound is being criticized, judged, or misunderstood. Asking in advance of a difficult conversation is good communication practice in general, but especially when communicating with someone with avoidant attachment, be sure to check if it is a good time to have the conversation. Is there a “not good” time to have a relationship conversation? If one or both of you is tired, grumpy, hungry (or hangry!) or otherwise less resourced than usual.
The same is true if they have a problem and you have an impulse to offer advice. Unwanted advice can come across as criticism. You might ask, “Would you like to hear my thoughts on the situation?”
Similarly, it can be jarring for someone to go from time spent alone on a project to time spent in connection with someone, so if you have somewhere you want to go with them, give them a heads up or ask in advance. “Can you be ready in a half hour so we can spend some time together?”
Avoid passive aggressive language
Folks with avoidant attachment don’t like reading between the lines and guessing at what someone means, and since passive aggressive behavior is a covert way of expressing anger, they will think you are blaming them. Saying “I’m not mad” with an aggravated tone, or “I thought you knew” in an angry voice after withholding information are both going to push some buttons.
Use I statements and avoid blame
When you’re expressing your feelings and needs, don’t tell someone, “You made me feel X” — instead, say, “I felt X when I noticed Y”. Compassionate communication also called non-violent communication uses the format Observation, Feeling, Need, Request. Remember that the avoidant wound is being criticized, and this format is a good communication habit to cultivate.
One topic at a time
Remember to stick to one topic at a time for conversations — it might be tempting to dredge up an argument from last month if it seems relevant and you’re upset. Don’t do it — just stay on topic. It is much easier to solve one problem at a time.
Keep it safe
One of the ways that secure functioning couples get through difficult conversations is by maintaining a feeling of safety. You can help contribute to a feeling of safety by being attuned, using safe, open body language and a neutral or positive tone of voice, and choosing your words with care (avoiding demands, assumptions, or generalizations like “you always”).
Be attuned
Be attuned to their body language and voice tone during conversation, and if they start to get uncomfortable, you might suggest pausing the conversation. “Shall we take a break from talking about this for now and come back to it later?”
Use safe body language:
Communication is not just verbal. We can communicate safety or stress with body language and tone of voice as well. Use safe and warm body language: friendly eye contact, an authentic smile. You can use safe and appropriate touch — a touch on the arm or a hug — if your experience with this person is that it will be welcome. Anything you can do to communicate safety will calm their anxiety — and yours as a result, through mirror neurons.
Face them so you can see their body language, don’t sit side by side or try to have a difficult conversation while driving — if you are driving, table the conversation if possible (but do pick a time together that you will talk about it). The reason we want to face someone when having an important conversation is so that we don’t make as many mistakes in understanding what people mean.
“Do they like me?”
Keep in mind that if you are dating someone with avoidant attachment and they are reluctant to spend time together, don’t tell their friends or family about you, and avoid traveling with you or sharing their space, they might well be having doubts about whether the relationship is right for them or whether they feel confident entering into a relationship. There are so many situations where someone complains that their partner is emotionally unavailable, but then they discover that the person has just entered into a new relationship with someone and is giving the new person plenty of time and commitment. So remember to ask yourself what your own relational needs and desires are so you’re not basing your life around theirs.
I’d love to hear from you. What are some ways to communicate with an avoidant partner that you’ve found to work well? Or if you have avoidant attachment, how do you like people to communicate with you?
Let me know in the comments below.
