Increase Connection with an Avoidant Partner
Let’s talk about a few ways to get closer to the avoidant person in your life.
A lot of people talk about being frustrated with a dynamic they end up in where they feel like they’re doing all the work in the relationship, or their partner isn’t really interested, or they ask their partner what’s wrong and the person shuts down or pulls away.
This is a really challenging situation for both people. What you need to know is that when someone else is shutting down or pulling away, and you’re trying to get close, they’re having a very different experience than you are.
The avoidant perspective
It might look on the surface like they don’t care, or they’re not interested, or they’re irritated with you. And some or all of those things might be happening. But what is likely happening underneath on a deeper level is a lot of stress and uncertainty. For a person with avoidant attachment, their attachment system isn’t activating as much as for other people. This means that even though they might want a relationship, they might want deep connection, the actual process of connection feels stressful.
A strange situation: attachment research
You might have heard of the strange situation research that was part of early attachment research back in the 60s and 70s. In this study, attachment researchers watched how young children’ behavior changed when their caregivers left the room and then returned. What they discovered was that some kids responded with a lot of distress when the mother left and when she came back they resisted reconnecting with her, sometimes pushing her away. Other kids appeared not to care that the mother left, and didn’t seem interested in her when she came back. You can probably guess that the first group who was very distressed had anxious attachment, and the second group who seemed unaffected had avoidant attachment.
Looks can be deceiving: attachment and cortisol
It might seem on the surface like someone with avoidant attachment isn’t stressed. But please understand — what we know from research studies is different. For example, in one study researchers measured cortisol, a stress hormone, and found that it was higher in avoidant partners during a conflict, but there was a big drop in cortisol after the conflict.
The point is, people can definitely care and be stressed out without necessarily showing that they are. And just knowing this can help us have a little more understanding and empathy toward someone who may seem uninterested in talking or connecting.
Increase safety to connect
There are ways to show an avoidant partner that you’re safe to talk to, to decrease the stress they have from approach. I have a post on co-regulation and increasing emotional safety, where I talk more about this. There’s a lot you can do with body language to promote safety, making soft gentle eye contact, keeping your voice at a conversational volume because a shrill or booming voice can increase the threat response. Staying calm and keeping potentially stressful conversations shorter, so you’re not overloading their nervous system will build trust for them to connect with you.
Why it wasn’t easy for the avoidant attacher to open up
Another point to keep in mind is that people with avoidant attachment grew up in environments that didn’t honor their expression of emotions. Stated a bit differently, it didn’t always feel safe to be vulnerable, or they didn’t always feel understood. The way that avoidant attachment forms is often when the adults are more focused on getting a task done than on relational connecting, so there’s more of an emphasis on doing an activity, and less emphasis on how we feel about it. Oftentimes, parents have their own avoidant attachment, so they aren’t used to focusing on feelings anyway. Avoidant attachment can also develop when adults aren’t there for the child, and they spend a lot of time alone.
It can be helpful to draw an avoidant person out and connect with them to get interested in what they’re into, and try to understand their perspective and what they like about it. Then honor their pace when it comes to vulnerability and talking about emotional topics.
Mirroring
Another way to help an avoidant person feel more understood is to mirror them, perhaps using their language or phrasing to help connect with them. If you’re going to paraphrase what you think they mean, just be sure not to assume.
For example, an avoidant person who we’ll call person A might say something like, “You don’t do your dishes”. Person B could say, “You’re mad because I’m not cleaning up?” But notice this isn’t exactly what Person A said. Person B has now generalized dishes to cleaning, and additionally inferred that Person A is mad. This could be inferred based on body language and tone of voice, but Person A may not identify their feeling as “mad”, and then feel misunderstood or get defensive.
So how would you mirror this phrasing? You might say, “You’re right, I haven’t been very good at doing my dishes lately.” Or if you disagree with them and think you’re great at cleaning up, you might say, “I’m confused, can you tell me when I didn’t do the dishes?” And you’ll get more information.
Keep your calm
What’s important here is not to get riled up or dramatic, as one of the complaints of the avoidant person about an anxious partner is that they’re too sensitive. You’re sticking with their wording, you’re not making assumptions about what they mean, and you’re clarifying if needed.
Over time, strategies like this can help your avoidant partner to open up and get more comfortable with vulnerability. Helping them to feel safe and feel understood will go a long way toward helping them to open up.
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Want to create more understanding and mutual connection in your relationships? Check out this course for anxious attachment: Secure Attachment Rewire