When starting a relationship, is it better to put your best foot forward and be the best version of you, or better to be yourself with all of your flaws exposed?

There’s a mindset, not always one we’re aware of, that goes something like, “If I appear to be what someone else wants at the beginning of a relationship, they’ll stay.”

Or for the anxious attachment style who is trying to win over someone with avoidant attachment, “if I act like I don’t care that much, they’ll be more interested”. 

You’ve probably seen this play out hundreds of times in Hollywood romantic comedies and real life too, where one person plays “hard to get” or isn’t infatuated, but the other person is persistent and keeps trying, and they end up together.

We don’t see part II of the movie, where they’re living together and arguing because they’re seeing the real person and not the carefully constructed image. The person with more avoidant attachment is confused why this seemingly strong independent person is suddenly demanding so much of them. Meanwhile, the person with more anxious attachment is perplexed and hurt that their devoted relational partner who was so enamored with them is now busy with something else.

Then there’s the flip side, the “take it or leave it” approach. The person who shows up to the first date in sweatpants because “if they don’t accept the real me then they’re not for me”. Getting so vulnerable on the first date that they push people away, or even worse, catch the attention of someone who will take advantage of that vulnerability.

Fortunately, there is a middle ground.

It involves being the real you, the authentic you, who also is a little dressed up and feeling good about yourself. It’s putting your best foot forward — not with borrowed shoes, but your own shoes. In short, it’s being the best version of yourself, complete with your needs and desires and boundaries. If you’re interested, speaking that interest. Following up soon after rather than waiting to generate suspense and artificial attraction. 

We might wonder, “but won’t that drive people away?” Yes it will. It will drive away people who are not compatible. Having boundaries around your needs will also drive away people who aren’t compatible with those needs.

We do need to be careful not to mistake needs for desires. Sometimes people stuck in the dating cycle can create an ideal image of what they want in a relationship that is unrealistic.

The authentic approach isn’t just for early on either. Using distance or coolness strategically will kill a relationship over time. That’s because what relationships need is a foundation of safety, and playing these kinds of games creates stress and tension. When we instead come from a place of positive or neutral acceptance and curiosity, we naturally create more safety for better communication and more authentic, satisfying relationships.Learn more about your attachment style with a guide for your particular attachment style. Subscribers receive attachment strategies by email, including the 10 Ways to Build Secure Attachment and a Fulfilling Relationship series.

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