Whether you’re in a relationship or single, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to recommit to loving yourself and expressing your love and care for others.

It does not have to be about sparkly hearts and flowers — though it certainly can be, and if you love those things, by all means, give them to yourself or send a sweet note or card to a friend. Sometimes with friends or family I’ll send Valentine’s Day cards, like this pop-up card that is a box of flowers. As I write this, I’m wearing a pair of red socks with winged llamas that a friend sent me yesterday. I also just finished creating a surprise gift for my partner, but I can’t tell you about it, because he reads my blog :D Maybe you prefer a sweet note or loving gesture, like doing something helpful for a friend. Loving notes, gifts, and acts of service are different ways we express love — find the expression that works for your love language.

Attachment styles can affect how we love

People who are working on getting back to a more secure attachment often have difficulties with feeling and expressing love for themselves or for others. For example, with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style, they might not attract the love they want or they might not feel the love that is there and say “Nobody loves me”. With an avoidant style, they might struggle to find a partner that they feel consistently excited about or have lukewarm feelings about people. We can feel more deeply into loving ourselves and others through committed practice.

Spending some quality time with yourself? Love on yourself by treating yourself to some quality self-care or sparkly goodness <3

In a romantic relationship? You don’t need to wait around for your partner to buy you the “perfect gift” or make the sweet heartfelt gesture you’re secretly wishing that they would do. You can make a commitment to be loving to yourself, whether or not you’re romantically involved.

If the idea of love still feels foreign, start with doing something fun for yourself and connect with gratitude for what is going well.

One year I wasn’t in a relationship and was just beginning the process of learning how to love myself. I celebrated by buying myself candles and a card and writing a love note to myself.

Now, even though my partner is amazing at making me feel loved and showering me with flowers, I still like to pamper myself a little because when you feel loved by your own self, you’re able to express that love even better to others — be that friends, partners, or other loved ones.

Let me just clarify: I’m not a big fan of the idea “you have to be able to love yourself before you can love others”. Not only does that feel very black and white, but I believe that we internalize love that others show us, just as babies do when they come into the world. But when you show yourself love it certainly helps you feel loving!

Learn to love yourself better

People sometimes ask — how can I love myself better? It’s an ongoing process. Just like nurturing a relationship or a friendship with someone else, you have to continue to show love to yourself. Sometimes people feel down — they’re sick, they’re going through a hard time at work or with family, or the world is a little off. Or literally it can be the weather/lack of sunshine. In these moments, they might find themselves with nagging negative thoughts — judgments about themselves or others. Self love is the redirection back to positive self regard.

For example:

Someone is having nagging health issues, and they feel grumpy. Their mood is off, or they get angry or sad easily. They might easily turn to the thought “I’m never going to get better” or start making sweeping generalizations like “I’m so moody, how will anyone ever love me like this?” They can make these generalizations a little less rigid by making them time-limited. “Yes, I’m feeling moody or under the weather right now, but this too shall pass and I’ll probably be feeling better again soon”. Or “My friend so-and-so loves me the way I am, moody or not”. They can remind themselves of times when they felt great and enjoyed life. Reminding our brains that difficult circumstances are temporary and spending time revivifying joyful memories is an act of self-love.

Key points:

Self love is an ongoing process — you can practice rewiring your brain for more loving feelings

When we feel the joy of self-love we can express that love better to others